"The Hurt is Going to Bring you to your Knees."

Hello All! 

For those of you who keep up with me, and my life here, through my blog, I am so sorry for the lack of posting this week. I am hoping you will understand as you read through this post, how this week has been for me. 

The week started off very simply. I wrote about Monday and my day. It was very typical and I didn't have much really going. 

Tuesday began to get better as I was able to catch the bus to school and everything! I felt like I was really improving on things here. It was Tuesday night, however, I completely fell apart. 

We all were headed to Emilee's after school. I get out of school at 5, and then have about a thirty minute commute when my mentor teacher brings me home. I got home, and decided to make my way to Emilee's. Well of course, there are no taxi's because it is five o'clock rush hour. I finally find one, and then get to the area Emilee lives in and realize I cannot find her place. I begin to cry, and I mean cry hard. I am exhausted from a long day, and I am feeling so so helpless. 

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was truly going through a nice phase of culture shock. 

We went and ate all together, and then I came back to my place with Kyla and Laura. I thought I was okay, but as soon as they left, I could not pull myself together.

The thing with culture shock is that everyone handles it so differently. While some begin to hate their new atmosphere and dislike the natives, I was just so desperate to be with friends and family back home. I was feeling completely lost here, and I was constantly telling my family and friends (here and at home) how I could not do this. I felt weak and so helpless. This is a blog posting I wrote and planned on posting Tuesday night. Thankfully, I could not bring myself to do it. It almost hurt too much to know that I was going to close my journey here before I even let it begin. I have considered leaving it alone, as just a file on my computer, but since then I have decided if I want to write about my experience here, I have to write about it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. So here it is. Hopefully this is the end of the ugly here, and all I will see now is the good. 

*DISCLAIMER* Remember, this was a Tuesday/Wednesday blog. Today is Friday, and I continue to get better by the day. I just want people to understand, while traveling is one of my passions, it will not always be easy. Just know hat I am SO much happier and well-off today. I pray that this pattern will continue and that my happiness will grow here. Here it is, in all of it's glory. I just want to be able to share my experience fully with others, and that is why I have chosen to write this into my day's blog. 

Before you read this blog entry, please know that I have decided to remain very honest about my time here. If I want to write about travel, and the experience behind it, I must write in all honesty. After reading this post, you will understand why the ultimate blogging queen (behind Kyla Brown, of course) has been so off track this week. 

The week started off with an interesting kick, as I am sure you have read. I easily fell apart at school, with no familiarity. It is an indescribable feeling, culture shock. It is just so crazy to me how quickly I have been able to turn down the feelings associated with culture shock so quickly. 

I can safely say that this week has probably been one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure in my lifetime. The things I have felt and experienced this week are almost indescribable. It is almost a experience you have to live through to understand. 

I am so sorry for the delay in posting about my first few days of school.

Hopefully this blog post (bear with me,I know it is quite lengthy) will explain the lapse in time.

As I sit and reflect over the past three days, I realize many things:

1.) This is the ultimate time of growth for me.

I am changing, and trying to adapt more and more everyday. I have made it no secret to most of you that the past few days might have been the most difficult time I have ever experienced. It is insane to see how desperately I wanted freedom from my life here. It is so funny too, because people told me I would grow here. I would have NEVER guessed it would be this way. You know the old saying, "No Pain, No Game"? Yeah, welcome to my life. Literally.

2.) Culture Shock is the worst illness, ever.

I find that the past few days, I have ultimately been hit by a rapid case of culture shock. I don't know how people who move away from their families and friends for such a long time do it. Everyday seems to present a new struggle, and a new hurdle I might not be able to get over. I can safely say that my life will forever be changed by this experience.

Funny thing is? I thought culture shock was just hating another person's culture, or the way they live their lives. This in fact, is not the case. No matter where you are, culture shock is just the absence of one's everyday life. Instead of having the normalcy you are used to, you have a brand new system. For me, sadly, the symptoms of culture shock didn't just include feelings of missing the old culture, it also resulted in physical illness (probably caused by how much stress I am putting on myself without even knowing it), feelings of helplessness and withdrawl,  irritability, restlessness, desire for home and for family and friends, homesickness, getting "stuck" on things, depressing thoughts (this one, I would like to point out, isn't as evident. It is just another way of saying I am not seeing the positive in any situation),

Still don't get it? Imagine a really traumatic physical experience you have had. Now take that, you can probably multiply it by 15 and put all of the pain and anguish only in your mind. I make it sound really bad, I know, but the feelings I have seem to definitely reflect that. It's an awful experience  and I would never wish this on any person.

So, that all being said, let's review the past three days! (Don't worry. I am not the Debbie Downer forever! Things get better on Wednesday's recap. Wait for it!

Today, I made it to school where I went and ate lunch, rice with carrots and sausage, seaweed soup with mussels, and another Korean noodle dish that was very very spicy. We then returned to the classroom where I learned my classes for today were cancelled similar to my fourth grade class yesterday. In the beginning, I felt so frustrated by this. (Just like everyone has said we would be. The fact that I found this frustrating really made me laugh a little though.) However, I looked at my schedule and realized I was VERY okay with this, because it is the day I am schedule to teach the teachers at my school. Talk about stressful! I easily relaxed after that, and began doing something I never thought I would find myself doing, looking up a plane ticket home.

I know. "What?" You are thinking. This is crazy, she's only been there a month and a few days!

Well, to that I will say I definitely agree with you. However, if you have never experienced the feeling of culture shock first hand, you can have absolutely no idea what the past few days have been like for me. I feel like I am letting this issue possess my every thought, and my everything. If you know me, you know I am not a depressed, or even sad, person. I take every experience and make the most out of it! This, however, I keep thinking, is just too hard. I cannot be here, and be miserable for the next five months.

*DISCLAIMER*: This is nothing against South Korea. South Koreans are perhaps the nicest people on the entire planet. They are friendly, and so so happy to help the always lost, foreign girl. Haha. It is just the fact of being away from everything you know for such a long period of time. I have a sweet friend who has been basically counseling me through this entire process. She studied abroad in France for a year, and she understands my exact feelings and lets me repeat my concerns and feelings over and over again without ever telling me to get over it, or something like that. (Lisa, no matter what, you rock!! This is my blog shout-out for all of the things that you do, have done, and will probably continue to do for me. I love you and appreciate you so so much!)

Then, not wanting anyone to see how desperate I am to leave, I quickly exited out of the screen when I heard someone coming around the corner. In pops in seven or eight third-grade students. They come up to me and immediately give me all of their attention asking questions like, where are you from, what is your name, etc. I am so shocked by this transition that I don't even know what to say. We begin to talk, and I fell in love. As most would expect. No matter my time here, I will find happiness in teaching kids. Teaching has long been my calling for too long. Though I think teaching English may be hard, but I am ready for the challenge, and the adventure.

At this moment, I am still at a stand-still. I know that this experience has already affirmed that I love to teach, and that it is my calling. However, I am still at a stand still in order to find out if South Korea is the place for me.

We have a small trip planned this weekend, so I am hoping for all of the best in that, I am hoping it will bring happiness and adventure to what seem to be my darkest days.I think I will have my mind made up by then, whether I choose to remain Kiyana In Korea. It saddens me to think I may have to let this experience go. However, I also know that I have to do what is best for me, no matter what that choice is. It sounds very selfish, but sometimes I think we all have to experience those moments to see what we can, and cannot handle. For me, only time will tell.

I ask for your deepest prayers during this time. I do not want my personal issues to reflect the opinions of any people towards this excellent country, or anything associated with it. I just know that I have decided to be honest with this issue in my attempt to face it head on.  I am trying to remain looking up, but it is so hard to look up when for some reason all you can see are the clouds. 

Now, Back to today! 

My time has changed since writing this post. While I still have some moments of serious doubt about my time here, I find that they are very brief and hopefully will become non-existent in the weeks to come. I really want to enjoy my time here, because from what I know, it will be over before I know it. I am excited about the opportunity to be here, but sometimes five months just seems so daunting it scares me. I am hoping for the ultimate turn-around. 

I think that I will enjoy my time here, if only I will let myself. I mean, who else has the ability to say that they lived in a foreign country, by themselves, for six months? (Well, apart from all of my friends here!) I am blessed to be here, and I know that I need to just take everything day by day. This is something I will continuously be working on. As always (but even more so today) I am so thankful for your support and love and prayers while I am here. You have no idea the blessing that they shower onto my life.

I am leaving for a city called Buan in the morning with friends! I think traveling, and staying busy will be my saving grace in Korea. I need to always keep with the positives, and I know I will become myself again. 

I cannot wait to write about my adventure! Pictures and an awesome weekend, coming up! 

Kiyana In Korea